Competent to Counsel - Ch 10

Summary

"When Adam and Eve fell, communication with God and with one another was broken."(Adams, p. 212) God confronted Adam with his sin, wanting him to deal with it, and Adam's responses were blame-shifting and lying. Hence our natural responses or tendencies are to blame-shift and lie when confronted with sin. Consequently, communication is used as the starting point for resolving problems in relationships. When encouraging communication, we are not encouraging rants or venting of feelings, a person should not let himself be ruled by his feelings, we are encouraging speaking the truth in love, with the intent of reconciliation and helping the other person.

It's important not to store up resentment for another person and not let the sun go down on your anger(Ephesians 4:26), but rather to confess your anger or bitterness to the other person so that you may be forgiven and promote love and reconciliation, which is to God's glory. Even if you feel you are not at fault, if another person feels you are, you need to take the first step and confess any faults and ask forgiveness. A brother should forgive his brother who comes to him to ask forgiveness in repentance.(Matthew 18:21-22)

For families it may be useful to set up a "conference table" that is used only for gathering together to discuss and solve problems. Once one gets in the habit of doing this, it will become natural and it will put them in the right frame of mind to tackle problems and discuss biblical solutions. It may end up being a symbol of hope.

There is also the concept of "multiple counseling," in which the counselor counsels not just the person that comes in, but seeks to involve others with whom the counselee takes issue, such as a spouse. It is best to always try to include ones spouse in counseling sessions, especially as it relates to marital issues. If the other spouse is reluctant, one way to get them to come may simply be by humbling oneself and confessing sin to the other person. This gets them comfortable talking about their faults, something their spouse may have been focusing on also, but this also opens the door of communication and vulnerability, which can bring the other person around too and may make them want to be involved in the counseling process.

Ultimately if only one person gets counseling for a relational problem, the other person involved will likely disagree with the account the first person gives and the picture will be incomplete at best. Another benefit of including another person(family member, spouse) that is closely associated with the issues the client is facing is that this person can be an assistant counselor/coach that keeps the person accountable for their homework, and it keeps the assistant from inadvertently working against them.

Establishing the spiritual disciplines of regular Bible study and prayer in a client's home is attempted. If the client is new to Bible reading, encouraging them to read brief passages that are clear in meaning may help them with understanding and application of Biblical principles.

A note on marriage among Christians: the world's concept of compatiblity is not God's. God's idea of compatibility is for two believers to marry only. "If two Christians properly talk over all of the things that disturb them, seek to do God's will about them, and work together prayerfully, they can solve those problems."(Adams, pp. 250-251)

Personal reflection

Communication does indeed play such a major role in the breakdown or building up of relationships. It can open the door to growth and forgiveness, and all it takes is for one person to step up--even if they feel they are in the right, they might be but that's not the point--and cover over an offense with love. Love covers a multitude of sins.(1 Peter 4:8)

Scripture

Matthew 18:21-22 21Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?"
22Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.[f]

Ephesians 4:26 "In your anger do not sin" : Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry,

1 Peter 4:8 8Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.

Adams, J.E. (1970). Competent to Counsel. Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan.